Messy Life

I haven’t been posting to my blog as much as I wanted. Lately I’ve been struggling with my anxiety and depression. But tonight was different. Tonight as I sat watching my kids, hoping to get one good picture to keep my streak on Snapchat with my good friend, I captured this.

In the Belly of a Monster

My life is messy. By that I mean, chaotic, wild, and full of adventures of all sorts. I am a military wife, my husband is in the army. I am a full time mom of two boys. If you are a mom you know how busy life gets. Well throw some anxiety and depression in the mix and things just get worse. I’ve struggled with anxiety since I was 16 and probably even sooner I was just diagnosed at 16. It wasn’t until I was 21 when I was diagnosed with depression as well. Most days were hard. Most days I didn’t wanna get out of bed. Most days I wasn’t sure how I will make it through the day. A few months ago my medicine began failing me. It didn’t do anything for me anymore. After 4 different prescriptions in 3 months I think I’ve found my new combo. For the past 4 months my life has been hell. Depression swallowed me. I couldn’t breathe. I was deep in the belly of the monster. Being a mom was so difficult. There were days I wouldn’t be happy and my kids suffered. They just wanted their happy, fun mom back. They didn’t understand what was going on. It wasn’t their fault. But here we are and finally I feel relief. Progress was slow (is slow, I’m still recovering everyday) and it wasn’t until tonight that I realized, there is hope. There is a reason to keep fighting.

You see, I snapped that photo and in an instant something clicked. I have two amazing boys. One awesome husband. One beautiful life. We sat in our backyard, the boys were playing with the dog and my husband was grilling and I was watching. Soaking it all in. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for. All the hard times when I was moments from quitting, all the tears that fell, all the days I couldn’t get out of bed… they all lead to this. There is hope. All the nights I begged and begged for some sliver of hope. This was my moment. I think as moms who struggle with depression and anxiety we are all just waiting for our moment. Our moment to keep us fighting. The purpose of this post was to let you know, there is. It is coming. You have to keep pushing. You have to keep fighting. I know it’s hard, oh my god, I know it’s hard. But one day you’re going to be sitting down watching the kids play and you’ll think, I made it.

The Road Ahead

The road ahead is long. Yes I feel great right now with my new prescription and a fresh look on life. Depression is a scary monster and tomorrow I could start slipping back into the darkness. And that is okay. It’s okay to struggle again. Never, NEVER, feel embarrassed to go back and change up your prescription. Never feel embarrassed to reach out for help. I promise there is hope and there is happiness ahead. A lot of days I laid in bed thinking things would never get better. I saw this picture and I realized slowly, without me noticing, things did get better. I can do this, I can win. I looked a this picture and my heart swelled. I love my boys and they need me. So for them I will overcome this!

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